(Listening to “O” by Coldplay)

As I was driving home I caught myself thinking, “How the heck am I going to handle dropping her off at college?”

Tonight was my 4-year-old daughter’s first sleepover.  It was her friend’s 4th birthday and she wanted Littles to stay over.  It’s the perfect situation to try it out.  We are good friends with the family, Littles and their daughter play so well together, and we totally trust them with our daughter.  I have no worries about the situation at all.  We both have two girls.  Our hope is to work up to the point when all the girls can stay at one house and the other couple can have a little getaway.  Tonight is the first step toward that hope. As it turned out, my daughter was more ready for it than I was!

Littles has been pumped about the party and sleepover for the past week.  She has talked about it non-stop, counted how many sleeps until she stayed over, and even practiced her tumbling for the gymnastics party.  Just the mention of this party would result in Littles squealing with excitement.  The wife and I were excited too, but with some recent events happening in life, I hadn’t put much thought into it other than, “Littles is going to love spending the night at her friend’s house.”

The original plan was for me to meet the wife and the girls at the party after I finished work, but there was one little wrinkle.  A while back, the wife agreed to be a backup doula for a friend of hers.  The mother-to-be wasn’t due for a while, so we didn’t think there would be any conflict, but the wife got the call early this morning and had to go to the hospital to help the expected mother.  All of the sudden, I was going to have to navigate this situation by myself!  I went from, “Littles is going to love spending the night at her friend’s house” to “Holy cow! Littles is spending her first night away from our house!”  All of the sudden the things I didn’t think about before came rushing into my mind at warp speed!  Would she be scared sleeping in an unfamiliar place?  Would she miss all the stuffed animals she sleeps with?  Will she be able to find the potty in the middle of the night?  What if she has a scary dream?  This is a huge deal!  And I have to do this by myself without the moral support from the wife?!?!  Ahhhhhhh!  It’s safe to say the reality of the situation had hit home.

I knocked off from work early, raced to pick up my girls from the sitter, and went to the gymnastics party.  It was a great time.  The girls bounced around on trampolines, swung on parallel bars, ran around, and ate pizza and cake while I talked with friends and other parents.  I had almost forgot about the sleep over, then the party ended, and we were suddenly on our way to Little’s friend’s house.

When I pulled up, I explained to Littles one last time what was going to happen.  I explained that she was going to sleep here and wouldn’t be coming home with daddy tonight.  She said she understood and then I asked her if she had any concerns.  She gasped, like someone having a revelation, and in a concerned voice she said, “Who is going to sing “Nothingman” to me at bedtime?”  My heart melted and it was then I realized I was more concerned than she was.  Every night, except for when I’m working on Friday’s, I sing Pearl Jam’s “Nothingman” to her as a lullaby.  It’s a special moment for us that she doesn’t even let momma in on.  It’s ours, and that lullaby was her main concern.  She wasn’t concerned about being scared or any of that logistical stuff I was thinking about, and that let me know I shouldn’t be either.  At her request I sang “Nothingman” to her in the car and we went inside.

As I was visiting with our friends it was getting late.  Littles walked up to me and said, “Daddy,  I think it’s time for you to go.  It’s almost bedtime.”  I smiled and said okay.  I helped her into her PJ’s, she brushed her teeth, we said our I love you’s and goodbyes, and gave hugs.  I gave her an extra squeeze.  Before she let go she whispered, “I’ll be okay.”  Then she looked at me and winked.  I melted again!  As I was driving home I thought, “If I have a hard time dropping her off at a sleepover, how the heck am I going to handle dropping her off at college?”  It will probably play out the same way, her telling me she’ll be okay and winking.  I’m sure I’ll also hear that thousands of times between now and then.  That’s totally her and I love it.

Little sister and I walked into the house and I saw my daughter’s empty room.  I walked in and it smelled like her.  Even though she isn’t there, I turned on her sound machine and closed the door.  It makes me feel like she is.  Like I said, I think she was more ready than I was.